Just pondering my relationship with my spirituality.

I went through hell when I was young. To sum it up: Sex was used to hurt me. That harm veered me off course into a life filled with years of unemployment, loneliness, and intense therapy trying to move on from what had been done to me over and over again. When I opened up about it, my entire community abandoned me and treated me like I was the one who did it, which was its own course of therapy and shit to deal with too. It all started when I was 15 and culminated in 2022, when I was almost kidnapped in Florida after being roofied, drugged with Meth, and gang raped. I feel like I’m finally starting to move past it now, at the age of 24. But I’m sure it will be life long.

A question I don’t tend to ask myself is, if the catholic God exists, why he would let me go through all of that. That Molestation. Abuse. Pedophilia.

But I sat down and asked myself the question today. And the thing is, is that I immediately knew the answer.

If fate is any way a part of this all: I think that sex was introduced as something destructive so that I could see its potential for power over the human experience. My human experience, at least. The sexual harm done to me shaped every aspect of how I saw others, the world, and myself for years to come. My painful sexual experiences led me to a painful life. But in thinking about that, I quickly came to the insight that, if that is the case, pursuing pleasurable sexual experiences must lead me to a pleasurable life. My sexual experiences filled with love, with community, with a sense of resposibility and care for my partners: They will lead me to a life filled will love, with community, and with a sense of repsonsibility and care for my fellow man. It makes sense to me!

So yeah, if God made us all in his image, and put on on this earth to fulfill his mission and embody his light here on earth: Well, I think my mission from God is to just, expose to the world how constructive sex and queerness can be in embodying his love. I think to the experiences I’ve had with gay sex. Sure, there were awful experiences of abuse and power dynamics. But then I think about my boyfriend from my sophomore spring of college. How we came together. In a few ways. I think to the times I’ve slept with multiple men at the same time. The way that me and my friend slept with his boyfriend recently. Knowing how he had been through so much of the same abuse I had been through, to be able to give him the opposite sexual experience. It felt like I was doing God’s work. And it feels right when I say that.

And the thing is, is that, it just can be hard to know this to my core, while I look at the church and the pope and they’re constantly saying that people like me are sinful, or that for some reason they can’t change doctrine that needs to be changed. They can change it, and it makes me so angry. And it makes me feel disconnected from God. It makes me want nothing to do with God. Just thinking about it now. It’s fucking stupid. It makes me look at the Catholic Church and see an institution doing the work of the Devil. I believe the Catholic Church is doing the work of the devil while I’m doing the work of God by having amazing gay sex with my beautiful friends. And like, I mean it?