Aquarius - Playlist Commentary

I cannot believe I am here doing this, but alas. For years, I’ve found myself writing about my boyfriend from my sophomore year of college. We dated quite briefly, yet, for years he has stuck around in my thoughts, and frankly, in my heart as well. His presence is something I spent forever trying to get out of me, but recently, I realized that there is nothing I can do about it. I’ve chosen to instead embrace his memory’s stubbornness, as it is ultimately an expression of my queerness and my capacity to love. Back when we were together, I was learning about many of the feelings of love for the first time. Music was a great anchor for me, and I spent a lot of time searching for and listening to music that mirrored how I felt: I spent most of my life as a closeted man and grew to presume that I’d never experience more than the satisfaction of being there for someone in love. When my sophomore year boyfriend threw that assumption out the window and sent me to space, finding my feelings through music is what brought me back down to earth.

I remember that culminating in a playlist I made for him when he graduated and moved away, which in hindsight was incredibly cheesy. But at the same time, again, an expression of my queerness and love. Many times, I found it easier to send him a song that spoke about what I was feeling than it was to tell him what I was feeling… but I wish I could’ve just spoke about my feelings. So when he dumped me, I became incredibly embarrassed of how I used music as a companion to process my feelings and grew to distance myself from it all. In the years since, I’ve certainly grown in a way where I can speak for myself. But I’ve always continued to have a soft spot for how I can see my reflection in the lyrics of another and how much I continue to associate this guy with the music I make and listen to. With that in mind, I’ve decided to make another playlist. This time, not to communicate my feelings or supplement a sense of intimacy, but just to follow the timeline of our relationship. These are not songs that I think say something, they just were present in my life while we were together or are associated with a memory of the guy. But I’m excited to write about each of em anyway, just to reflect on some of the best times of my life.